from Des Parker


And the Lord spoke to Noah and said "in one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the earth with water until all flesh is destroyed.  I want you to save the righteous people and two of every living thing on earth.  Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark".  In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.  In fear and trembling Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember" said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything on board in one year".

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas went into tumult.

The Lord saw Noah sitting in the front yard, weeping. "Noah" he shouted, "Where is the Ark?".

"Lord, please forgive me", said Noah, "I did my best but there were big problems.

Firstly I had to get a permit for construction of the Ark, and your plans did not comply with the codes.  I had to hire an engineering firm to redraw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with the Occupational Health and Safety Commission over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices.  Then my neighbour objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to lodge a rezoning application with the City Council and it is now with the Environment Court.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting down trees to protect the kookaburra.  Finally I convinced the Department of Conservation and Land Management that I needed the wood to save the kookaburra, but the National Parks and Wildlife won't let me catch any kookaburras, so no kookaburras.

The carpenters formed a union and went on strike.  I had to negotiate a settlement with the Department of Industrial Relations before anyone would pick up a hammer.  Now, I have 16 carpenters, but still no kookaburras.

When I started to round up the animals, I got sued by the RSPCA.  They objected to me only taking two of each on board.  Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an Environment Impact Statement on your proposed flood.  They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they have no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.  Then the Department of Land and Water Conservation demanded a map of the new flood plain.  I sent them a complete set of UBD's, Melways and Gregory's right away and now I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Opportunity Commission that I am practising discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people on board.

The Australian Taxation Department has seized all my assets, claiming that I am building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.  I also have to wait for the registration of my ABN for the GST.  I just got notice from the Waterways Authority that I owe some sort of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft. 

I also need a boat driver's licence, but they are still debating how to classify the craft.

I am getting continual visits from Greenpeace, the RSPCA, Workcover, the Sheriff's Office and numerous Government Departments.  Finally, the Australian Council for Civil Liberties got the Courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.  I really don't think that I can finish the Ark for another five to six years", Noah wailed.

The skies began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm.  A rainbow arched across the sky. "You mean that you are not going to destroy the earth, my Lord", asked Noah?.  "No" said the Lord, sadly, "I don't have to.  The Bureaucracy has beaten me to it".